Come as you are.

I had a bad morning today. Feeling low, overwhelmed, afraid, tallying up my own limitations and wondering if I will be enough for you. My emotions are full of conflict. You are the child I have yearned for, the child I couldn't give up on having. Days after having Lily I had such strong feelings that there was another child for us, meant for us. I savored the experience with Lily, feeling such gratitude for her, for how easy it all was. Having experienced such trial and difficulty in the early days with our boys I knew in the depths of my being, joy. How special it was; when she cried I fed her and it was enough. I was all she needed, I knew exactly what to do for her.

I prayed for you, at every birthday balloon launching my wish was for you, my son. To come and complete our family. To join us and share our lives together. And now you are coming, different than I envisioned, but, now this is just for you as I want you to know the most important part of all my emotions. That, it doesn't matter. Not to me, I still want you just the same. I want to see your first smiles, first steps that all too soon move into games of chase where I have to be more and more clever to catch you. Everything is so tender for me now but I couldn't go another day without expressing the only part of all this that matters. How wanted you, my sweet son are. That I'm getting your nursery all ready, right next to my room so I can rush in at night and feed you. That today at Target I'm spending your dad's hard earned money so you will look dapper. Wondering if you will look more like your dad and Owen or Luke and I.

I know you are in Heaven waiting, where you are one of God's most valiant spirits. That you in all your knowledge and understanding offered to come here to be our teacher. You are coming here exactly as you should be. The only things we will teach you is how to fit into our temporary world on earth, but you will teach us eternal principals. Principals of kindness, unconditional love, resilience, how to be less judgmental, more patient, more willing to look for the beauty in each situation. I wanted you to know all of this, that even though we haven't met officially I know who you are.
That I was meant to be your mother. Together with your dad and brothers and sister we will stand by you and help you to fulfill your purposes in life. We will be enormously proud of your accomplishments. Sometimes, when people look at us and maybe feel pity or sadness we will just smile because we know. That we're the lucky ones, that we got in on what matters in life.

Since we're chatting and all, I have to let you know, I am far from perfect. Just know that up front and cut me some slack. I am impatient, having my house clean matters too much to me, if I don't get enough sleep I am CRANKY, sometimes. . .I shout at my kids, wish that they would just be quiet, and I have, even, hide from them when I just needed a moment alone. Oh, and sometimes, when they cry, and I don't know why but it makes me laugh just a little. Then I love on them and make it better.
Finally, know that we will be us. We will laugh much more than we do anything else. Play music too loudly an sing off key. Your dad and I will sleep in every Saturday morning while you kids collaboratively destroy our home. Then dad will make us all waffles while commenting how much better his are than mine. There will be much teasing because, after all nobody should be too proud that they can't be teased. Mostly though, there will be that joy.

. . .see you soon my son.




P.S. I want to thank all of you who have taken time to comment, email me, text me or call. Having people who believe in me builds me up in the moments when my own doubt creeps in. So, thank you and love you all.