Daily dose.

I caught this moment back in February. I had kicked them outside so I could get my recommended dose of quiet for the evening. If I don't take my pill every night I turn into "mother who people see and say to themselves, I'm never going to be that kind." Thankfully if they already are a mother they would just say a quiet prayer for me and offer me an "I've been there sister!" look. If you have been reading my blog you may recall the Gamma problem post. If not, enjoy and come to understand me more. :)



One thing that kids do so well is, living in the moment. I'm usually pretty good about that. I will look out my window; see them all running around, collaborating, smiling and I take a moment and feel blessed. I know I am in easy sweet years where some of the largest problems we face are who spilled cereal all over this couch and then the ensuing complaining of "why do I have to clean this up, I didn't do it!"

Kids don't fret over what the future holds and worry about how they will handle what it may or may not bring. But at times, especially now that is when I feel pain, sadness and fear. I don't worry about the next fifteen years, I worry about the fifteen to fifty year mark. Everybody thinks a sweet little boy with down syndrome is cute and loves them when they are six. Does the same stand when they are thirty-five? When children act like children it's okay and not frustrating, but how will they treat an adult? Where will he live when he is twenty-five, with us?

These thoughts and unknowns are hard for me. I have declared myself impatient since I could even say the word impatient. My mom loved to tell me growing up about the time I declared to everyone, "why can't I have just a little more impatience!" Now, even though I have an understanding of patience vs. impatience and when one word is appropriate, I still feel quite the same frustrations that my five year old self did at my own limitations.

There is a wide spread categories of "functioning" that a person with down syndrome can fall into. How will our son do? We won't have an idea until he is much older of what his future will be. I feel a little bit like, I received a phone call telling me that my child was in an accident. But that is all I know, I don't know if he is paralyzed, has a broken arm or just a headache. Even though when I think about it deeper, I'm in the same boat with my other children. I don't know what the future will bring. If they will make choices that will bring them happiness. They very well could get into drugs, sex and rock n roll. Hopefully they will for sure get into rock n roll but you get my point.



That nothing is done. No future has been decided. I guess part of our job as parents is to have moments where we agonize over pitfalls that those we have been entrusted to care for may fall into. The sadness that those things would bring for them and us, because of how much we love them. Chad came home tonight from work and saw me quietly trying to hold back the tears of a mothers worry.

I love that man, he allows me moments where I am weak and not full of faith. He encouraged me to tell him my worries, listened patiently to all of them, even the silly ridiculous worries of, "are we going to have to get a babysitter when we want to go the movies when our son is thirty?" "Possibly, he said, but lets not worry about all this right now Waimy. It will be okay, we don't know what the future holds and that is just how it goes. Feel these emotions, be sad and cry over it and then, let them go."

So I am trying, I've spent a couple of hours this evening fretting over my children. Over things I cannot control. Fretting over not being able to plan and control all the details of their life. Something I need to plan for, is to plan to be surprised, I guess.

. . .working on that, and savoring these sweet childhood years.